Sunday, January 25, 2015

Nameless travel writer

I wanted to make a less self-indulgent blog.

http://namelesstravelwriter.blogspot.com/

It will probably go the wayside as well as I mature, but I hope to augment many things in to impress (or show, or evoke emotion from) a very different crowd. I don't plan to troll or publish stupid opinions on anything. I want it to be more ...open. It's going to be a very "life lesson" tone and I hope to incorporate many of the themes I've been discussing throughout my "blogging" nonsense. Anarchy, drugs, ADHD, and now most recently utter desolate heart break and denationalization as a coping mechanism. Mostly, I just want somewhere to publish that I can be honest and possibly in the near future use my real name, thus ending a legacy of depersonalizing.

I miss you Canada. I want to visit :-3

Thursday, January 22, 2015

redacted from reddit

eh i redacted it. probably best not to get that personal when I'm this fucked up.

edit: This text was is a total fucking shit show and I'm sorry. I am absolutely writing only for myself, I don't care how unprofessional this is I am not speaking as a mod or officially in any capacity. I don't even want to use this username but I need to that's the point. You can ignore this I don't even think anyone should care, I just need to say it all for sake of self. Most of this probably will ramble way WAYYYY off point. :(

[Messages like these are why I put flashypatches on as mod because I really shouldn't even be online. I'm at the hospital right now just kinda sitting online leeching off the mariot next door's open wifi I broke. You'd fucking think they would have free wifi at a hospital, but you would be mistaken. Anyway....
](#s)
____
[I psycho analyzed myself last night for about 2 hours of really awful stuff. I've come to the conclusion that I'm not happy being 100% anonymous. I want people to know me. I'm not going to share my name still, but I'm kinda just really sick of putting on this mask and toying around. It's probably just because I'm in emotional ruins today so here are some fun facts about my actual life as opposed to garbage I spout off just for the lulz.](#s)

[I'm 22 turning 23 shortly. I am in fact a guy. I'm just really sick of wearing e-tits, the charm has long worn off. I simply don't care if people (especially here) know. I will continue to selectively wear them on other forums just to annoy the typical hater.  I'm from upstate new york and I really REALLY hate it here for a variety of reasons I can't actually change. I would very much like to travel but I hate doing things alone (why I don't mod this place alone even though I extremely easily and for awhile did). I don't even like writing if I can't share it (even if no one reads it--I want to make it available)](#s)

[I actually don't read. I honestly hate reading because despite my telling myself I'm intelligent, I actually have more to prove (childishly) to others than myself. I am not a self validating person, and it hinders my growth.](#s)

[I have two accounts, one for this, one for the more honest stuff and I found myself actually using that one more often ad that was shitty. ](#s)

[I run a blog that is about 3 years out dated as to who I actually am. I started it when I was like 19 or 20 and I feel like total shit even looking back at the nonsense. I had a lot of fun impressing my peers, but it's not much of an accomplishment ot entertain 20 year olds (no offense to you 20 year olds).](#s)

[My goals for the future include opening a battered women's shelter as well as a counseling center for abused males, as the system can be stacked very much against them. I want to do this specifically beacuse I've never had these problems and I can be objective about them. ](#s)


[I do a lot of writing because I'm actually (I believe) slightly dyslexic, although never formally diagnosed. 90% of the words I spell right are either spell check or muscle memory. For the remainder of this, I will not use spell check. ](#s)


[I write mostly dark stuff but I think this is a result of being a brood teen who never grew up until now. The drugs are actually helping abolish the child in me and I'm getting to know myself in ways most don't (bow chick-a-wow). ](#s)


[I used to want to join the government and work for the CIA or similar doing dirty work, but I think that sentiment arose from a dissonance between brain wash and affect. Fear. If you can't beat them, accept them and join them. I now actively seek to abolish many of the illegalities and immoralities of the U.S government.](#s)


[IFTOSPWBTS was this whole thing for me. It was the first time I had ever shared anything I was actually proud of with anyone. I have since become a much better writer and I very soon hope to profit off Amazon outside the realm of stupid short stories not_rachel and I presume very soon flashy bug me to publish. I just wanna maintain my 50+ dollar days or even hit 100 or 150 dollar days (extremely doable) but I'm just too scared or something to try. Lazy? Now distraught but before it was just anxiety that I was writing the wrong genre.](#s)


[I really can't keep a cogent point together but the fact remains I actually don't much care for being a "mod". I see myself as a community leader who wasn't elected and who no one has to accept. I do my best to not police anything here past the meta stuff like not leeching or absurdly ridiculous trolls. I love this community and treat it very much like a second life and I'm kinda sick of it. ](#s)

[I don't share my writing in real life because I'm too afraid of judgement. Godforbid someone calls me a faggot for writing about a vampire. Here, I have the disconnect and shield of "Well that's not me...that's just me on the internet" and i'm honestly just done with it. As a result i end up writing bullshit I often don't want to write. I need to stop doing this.](#s)


[I don't like the notion of growing up and holding my own responsibilities. I'm a frail pussy who would rather curl up and die. I don't even like phone calls :/ My best friend is probably going to die (please don't pity train me) and it's got me all sorts of fucked up writing shit like this. ](#s)

[I wrote this whole thing about growing up and despair and I might end up sharing it here but the grammar is just so abysmal and I just don't have the ambition left in me to trudge back through it. I'm actually pretty happy with how well I'm doing without spell checker--I'm fairly sure I have all these words muscle memorized as with pen and paper it's a bigger disaster than this. ](#s)

This marks the 3rd time I've written a message like this but fuck it I'm not even going to delete it this time.


**tl;dr**

* I write because I don't want responsibility. I want to profit only enough to keep a roof over my head or travel and entertain people and teach life lessons

* I come from a literary background of fucking nothing. I can't spell. I never read. I was taught hebrew prayer instead of math or english for 50% of my schooling as a kid until 6th grade.

* I am a high school drop out and now college drop out. Dropped out at 16 and enrolled at college finished got GED and realized I don't even want my 4 year BA. I don't need it.

* I dont have favorite books because again, I don't read. I really love books on tape and more so I like listening to /r/iamverysmart stuff like http://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/emma-goldman-anarchism-and-other-essays#toc4


* Good writing to me is writing that tells a story that doesn't leave me guessing too much and doesn't dump to much on me. A vague picture is good but there needs to be enough to form that image. A balance is needed. I also am a really big fan of good dialogue, it's one of the few things i can follow. I hate paragraph after paragraph of description and that's why I avoid fantasy.

* I read blogs like http://waitbutwhy.com/2014/06/taming-mammoth-let-peoples-opinions-run-life.html/2?doing_wp_cron=1418886925.2929809093475341796875 or spend hours researching wikipedia about asteroid mining or boxcar hoping for stories. I need to write more short stories :( but I get distracted beacuse of ADHD and lose interest 67% through....

* I want to write a lot more about drug stories or runaways. Someone just posted a story about 2 runaways that reminds me very much of myself at that age.

* I never critique plot here usually because I can't follow what I read for more than about 15 seconds. my memory buffer is shit.

My name doesn't matter. I'm just scared. I wish i made more sense. I wish i was better at everythign but I'm too scared to move.

 Hi. :) My name is…well that still doesn’t matter, and it’s nice to meet all of you. Hello World!.exe
I’m not really sure why I’m so terrified of the world knowing me, or perhaps I am simply so scared of the unknown void that I cower behind anonymity and obscuring my information. I’m like the President, only with no justification to hide away. No one is after me. I’m not that important. On the flipside, there is something quite charming about having an anonymity to an account. It adds an ego shield layer, which unfortunately means people get to plays devil’s advocate (sometimes very aggressively) on the Internet and argue for things they don’t even really believe in themselves (they’re just doing it to win internet arguments or be cruel and demean others of lesser (perceived) intelligence rather than try to educate them).

Imagine the difference between these statements. Scenario: I have a dog and a kid whom you know I love very much. I am on my death bed, you are nearly certain of this fact yet you refuse to believe it. You feel physically ill you are so torn up. You have never imagined fear of this magnitude before, in fact, (most of) you have never in your lives experienced fear of this magnitude in the presence of such helplessness. Those two emotions when blended produce an affect you couldn’t possibly have imagined. You arrive at the very bottom of your world. Also, you aren’t certain whether you should have vaporized weed to put myself into a meditative state. You’re getting answers but you’re also very far down. You don’t know what is what. What is logical what is real what is truth everything is being undermined now. Everything. You are terrified that things aren’t as they seem. Perhaps this is why people are religious. This primal fear and wonder. This need to understand.
Anyway…I want to talk about my friend. I have never really had reason to feel deep emotional pain before. I have had breakups that have bugged me profoundly and really crushed my spirits and I’ve had times when I’ve just been really upset that I failed at something, or that I felt I would lose something dear to me. However, I have never experienced and could have never imagined helplessness and fear of this magnitude.
I have seen people, like on TV, in this position or talked through it with friends of my own and remained objective, specifically because I didn’t empathize and therefore I was objective. However, I didn’t posses the capacity to even imagine that empathy, despite telling myself that I am rather empathic. I just presumed they were being illogical and therefore emotions, being illogical, are simply not worth it or reconcilable. Therefore, in my world, I should do everything I can to make sure they do not exist. I will harden my heart like a rock. I will prevent myself from fearing and being hurt with shields of hyper efficiency. These shields are feeling police thoughts. I am not free in my own mind. I have these self employed thought police running around my head kicking the living fucking shit out of any emotion that pops up. It’s actually more like border patrol. Perhaps this is why I hate cops.
Anyway. There was a feeling that almost washed over me and that I fear might very soon. I have seen actresses or videos of people bringing their hands to their mouth’s when they get bad news. I think that’s a universal reaction to such shock and utter devastation. You simply cannot process the magnitude of the situation and you have for your entire life grossly miscalculated your strength and ability to hold tough and catch emotional fast balls. In that instant the fast ball has plowed into your gut at 90 miles per hour, so fucking hard your soul wants to escape and you must hold it in. Your hands find your mouth and you just collapse to your knees.
I have never in my life felt such utter despair. I have ready messages online like these before and just thought “too purple. What a fucking baby” and I feel so fucking foolish to have assumed so. Until today I wasn’t even aware I possessed the capacity to feel this way, in fact I took pride assuming I couldn’t. I am shattered to a core so much deeper into myself than I thought existed. I have not cried in 7 years until tonight and I still am fighting tooth and nail and fist and foot inside my head beating the shit out of myself for even CONSIDERING breaking down and letting the tears out.
There is a flood inside me and the dam is starting to crack. I would rather be cliche and describe it perfectly than try to be creative to impress you. I am torn so throughly I feel like a ripped envelope with all of the ideas and words inside me spilling out in a tattered litter of gibberish and anecdote and runonsentencegarbage no one can or even wants to follow. Because no one really cares and the only thing that helps is just having an ear to listen and someone to lie to you and tell you otherwise.
I am questioning everything about myself. The exact opposite of what I told myself was true might be the case. My truth, I believe now, is that for my entire life I have only truly cared about myself, and that is why when others are upset I can remain so objective and “warm” (superficially) and logical, specifically because I don’t throw up the “you poor sweet heart boo hoo wah I’m so sad!” but instead opt for “I’m here for you. Let’s try to work this out.”
Iin 99% of the cases I have ever experienced, with everyone I have ever met (notwithstanding a few that I keep close), I don’t really give a fuck about what I’m hearing. That’s why you don’t see me online giving out advice like I used to. I realized I just don’t care. I will listen to your problems and make wise judgments because I can empathies just far enough to give the illusion of true compassion and empathy, but not far enough to actually be able to help.
I cannot make sense enough to follow my own tangents and rabbit holes, nor can I hope to convey a coherent point past what you read or infer from my ripped envelope stream of consciousness. I am a river which was unfairly dammed and is now forced to find its way through unknown territory and this river is tearing up the roots of everything I am. The forest in my mind that has grown so deeply out of touch with this river, dried into a withered and barren wasteland is about to be flooded and it’s both a good thing and the worst tragedy I have ever experienced in my entire life. My only solace in losing my friend should she die will be that fact. Feeling this broken will actually give me strength.
I don’t pray and perhaps it’s because I’m scared to admit what that would mean. A total concession to a higher power or things I don’t understand and will never be able to control. There doesn’t have to be an entity to pray to, you can simply pray to the universe. You can find hope or search deep for strength and I guess in some capacity that could be considered “god” though I am by no means religious.
Until a few days ago I would have laughed in my own face if you told me someday this is how I’d react and that I wrote this. I’d be like “No dude. That’s some bullshit. Look, I’m using the word dude and fronting like my ego is huge. I’m so cool. Look at me crack jokes. I’m smiling. I’ve got this. Besides, I use paragraphs, so that proves I didn’t write that bullshit.”
A part of me is dying and perhaps it’s a part of me that needs to die…and that part of me is willing to kill itself should the only girl I’ve ever loved die from cancer or really anything. Die alone and scared and leaving behind so fucking much and such a bright future. She did nothing to deserve this fate and the fact I might never see her again is destroying me. I should have put so much more effort into getting to know her and share the world than I did.
I was callous to her and did not get involved specifically to shield myself from these emotions, which have now surfaced anyway. I didn’t allow myself to get attached to a girl I know logically is going to die young. I’d be an idiot to try and love her, right? Anyone would be. I’m an emotional forest. A dry one, a wasteland actually. The dam that has held the emotional water inside is about to burst. It will be the most freeing thing, yet it will have cost me the young woman who I very much and always will love.
To even tell myself that perhaps I was crazy enough to latch on specifically knowing she was going to die, that I some how wanted to be involved with her death destroys me. Maybe that’s why I loved her to start out with. I don’t know anything anymore. Would it be wrong if that was true? Am I insane for thinking this? Would others say NO! Just to make me feel better? Would others lie? Would they even know they were lying? Probably not.
If I was that selfish that I actually stayed with someone who was dying for my benefit, what would the implications of that truth look like? Is the core of everything I am actually a monster? I know deep down I am absolutely not greedy and it is no rationalization to say I do good in the world and that I was a bright light for this girl and I still am and very much fucking hope to whatever powers that might help this stupid thought can help me continue to be her light. I do not want her to die. Or maybe I do, but not yet. Not for a very long time. She need years to see her son grow up. She needs years to fulfill her purpose or give back to the world, though she owes nothing to it, she is amazing and has always wanted to give back, even though she’d tell you she was callous and resentful. And she has every right to be.
I don’t fucking know what I want. I know I don’t want to have to experience this death and live with all these fucking questions, some of them…I don’t even know which ones are rational to be asking anymore and which are just cries for attention or genuine concern. All of this thus far has been, and that’s not usually the case. I’m so fucked up over this stuff.

…I just walked downstairs and took a break to “clear my head” or in this case dig myself back out of that really really really fucking dark rabbit hole. The deeper you go into things, the more chaotic with entropy they become. For a moment there walking down the stairs I actually got so fucking deep I genuinely started to doubt whether anything was real or not. Like think about it. I haven’t seen this girl, she could be making it all up. She sends me pictures so I know parts are true, but I know she’s psychotic and very VERY manipulative and smart, but I fucking hate myself for thinking that because I should know and I do believe that she is genuinely gonna die. It doesn’t seem fake. It is so fucking real I think I’m just hoping it’s fake or something. But that doesn’t sound right either.
I feel like a darkness is inside me. Like the lowest level form of communication of a quantum scale used to be little atoms of white background cyan blue jumping around…now its black background red for-ground. The colors of my emotions are scarily universal with what they represent. We find meaning in “words” to covey emotions its actually incredibly effective how well this actually works. However, through words there are just some things you can never hope to convey and honestly it’s probably for the best, lest you crush someone with the same intensity that I have been crushed just with words. It is simply not possible to evoke this emotion, nor should it be possible. Until you have experienced it for yourself don’t assume you inherently know more about someone and their capacity of emotion. I say this and can only imagine others doing so of course because I do this.

I have no idea where I started here. I have no idea where I’m going. I just needed to let some of that out and now I really need a break. I will surely be back later, but I feel “better” even though the gloom remains and will likely only get worse when the flood hits. I hope it doesn’t hit. I need a miracle. I’m not even sure I need one, because maybe it’s not as bleak as I’m thinking. Like I said, what if things aren’t even real? What if I’ve already made up the ending in my brain? What if this is just a narrative I’m telling myself and I don’t even have a body. I just created this projection of a body because it’s effective and it’s also effective to imagine everyone else as the same. Some foreign things could be interpreted as evidence to the contrary, but perhaps the capacity to imagine new things goes WAYYYY deeper than I allow that part of myself (Whatever that self may be or where). I’m not sure if I believe this stuff, I think because I don’t allow myself to because it’s really scary, but I have heard evidence of that it is more likely I am a complex super computer’s projection, or I am a projection of a creature in a giant and I mean HUGE infinitely big other creature. Imagine a dark room with what appears to be “twine” with thick goo everywhere. You’re floating through this like an ocean and all around you giant huge caverns of exotic matter veins, like twisting particles of sand in water, pulsing with neon lights like a jellyfish. This is a super brain. I am a part of a super brain. In one cluster, there is a glowing color us humans simply can’t imagine or see whatsoever like the color of liquid silver dark grey but its glowing super bright like uranium but mixed with red so its kinda intense. It’s pulsing really fast and other colors are going wild around it to work on something else. This colossal god being floats through space, which may exist in a dimension we cannot even imagine or perceive no matter what we try to do. LSD actually doesn’t get me as a close as weed. I’m really fucking high and really really really really fucking distraught.


Wednesday, January 21, 2015

how the fuck do you tell your dying friend goodbye?

and when?

What if you speak too early and they get better? what if you offend them in their most desperate hour when all they wanted you to do is stay strong? What if breaking down to them is the only thing they didn't want you to do while they slip away. what if you choose wrong. I am just very upset that I might have to say goodbye as I am NOT ready for that. I will never be ready. :(

Time is collapsing. my fingers are numb. I don't know what to do. I have no idea what to fucking do.

I will feel so pathetic if I cry for no reason just out of baseless fear. I am horrified of that more than anything and I take pride in being "strong" enough to not cry but I feel like throwing up. I don't want her to die. I don't want this to be justified. I want to be 100% wrong. I want to find out she was never in any danger and that she'll be okay. I want that reality :,( I want saying this to be able to change it. And I won't know until I know and that scares me. I know it's cliche but i'm passing through the eye of the needle soon and it's horrifying.

I have never known fear like this. Never. I couldn't even have imagined it.

I'm chewing my lip trying not to cry.

I shouldn't have fucking gone down stairs to get food. My fucking dad (with the best intentions) asked if she was going to die. I don't fucking know. I don't want to answer. all I could say was can you just not talk to me. I'm just so upset that the answer could be yes and that this isn't just in my head. I want this to just be in my head :,(

cant breathe

So many half finished thoughts or points that never came together. Maybe i'll fill in the gaps when I sober up. I hope that's not for awhile, especially if my fears are founded. I hope they're not. I really really fucking hope I am fearing nothing and that i'm just an idiot.

I am literally questioning the foundation of everything I am and I don't say this to be dramatic or get attention. In fact, I'm saying this just to document to myself the day it happened. It's horrible to find solace in tragedy, but it's all I've got.




I don't think anything I know is real. I literally am questioning my reality and I feel justified to do so and I share this for no other reason than because I think it is interesting and I desperately need to vent (something I used to judge others for needing to do--as my personal standards of what I can deal with are really high and I take pride [perhaps foolishly] in that).




You know when people make stupid statuses being dramatic on facebook like oh look at me hur dur i need attention or I need validation lemme say something pseudo-profound. Honestly, sometimes they get lucky and hit something real, but 90% of the time it's just bullshit. This is probably one reason people play up cliches even though they themselves have never actually internalized or experienced their meaning. But it sounds dramatic and so they'll use it to evoke similar dampened versions of those emotions. Novice author wants you to know how sad it was {insert event was there} and rather than telling you "It was really sad" they compare to "Cried a flood" hoping to evoke out of you the empathy as you can project your experiences onto characters. Maybe you can remember when your dog died It's hyperbole and it's not even accurate comparable




I think kids should have pets so they can die and they can experience loss at a young age that isn't human. It will make them stronger in so many ways having a companion. I think I secretly love dogs and I'm just horrified of the implications of that like everything I know is a lie. I think I secretly love kids too. I kinda know I do. I actually really want a kid someday but I'm very scared I will never find the right woman trust worthy enough or strong enough to be worth raising a kid with. I dont ever want to compromise and I think that's what freaked me out with Kirsten and why i didn't visit. that i couldn't get attached because i knew i would, so i avoided it saying i hated kids, but really i just hated that everything i knew was a fucking lie.




I was getting anxiety because my music wasn't loud enough. I feel so much better now that I'm not straining looking for the answer trying to hear it louder hahahaha oh my god TIL play music lower than you want if you want to thought spiral :) but also it's a shitty anxious feeling :/ I've never followed the anxious hole of fear this fear. I have never ever confronted fear like this. I have avoided it for so long because I'm a pussy and because it actually really is illogical to seek out scary stuff. Now I'm faced with devastation and I'm forced to pass through the eye of the needle. Cliche but it's how i feel.


Okay so I've gone through now like 10 drafts.... I am literally questioning the foundation of everything I am and I don't say this to be dramatic or get attention. In fact, I'm saying this just to document to myself the day it happened. It's horrible to find solace in tragedy, but it's all I've got. So yes. I am being dramatic. Yes, in a way I am fishing for attention. 

These are two things I extremely rarely do especially with "real" shit pertaining to my emotions and my life. I bottle it up well. I think this is the first time in my life the thought-police I hired to chase down emotions and beat the shit out of them are being overwhelmed. I feel like if I go on, it's just a pointless bullshit excuse to make others freaked out like "oh look at Trevor he's breaking down" and that would be ridiculous. I'm actually just really fucking high and done giving a shit about what others think and not in a spiteful way, but in a liberating way. I think most say "i'm doing caring" when they mean exactly the opposite. "I am desperate to make others care!" 

I think very few people actually say what they mean and I say this in hopes people will use what time they are gifted with on this Earth more wisely and cut out the bullshit. I hate being shattered to have to learn this lesson and it's a lesson I'd hazard many never learn.

Tl;Dr 

stop bullshitting and figure yourself out because you'll miss many opportunities for true happiness not happiness in a logical "I should be happy with this and I am content with it" sort of way. This is especially true with who you love and spend time with. Don't ever avoid someone out of fear you will regret it more than anything else in the world if they die and you will feel guilty forever for not having spent every moment you could have as happily as you could. There are so many other miserable things you did instead when you could have just compromised with the fear and done what would have made you happier with who. 

:( 

I hope more than anything I get to see my friend again. Please don't make the same stupid mistakes I've made guys. I'm serious :(  

Also is there a way to disallow comments? I really don't want any comments please.

"nice racism bro"

[SOME OTHER NOT THE RETARD DUDE] well it seems the people in the street (no matter what they are labeled) have done something, they have started and helped continue a dialogue11 mins · Like


[ME] edit: Sorry if this seemed angry I'm just kinda astounded at JC calling me a racist (showing his own racism in the process) but like ...WHAT DIALOGUE?! I'm not being sarcastic when I asked wtf this about. Do you see the issue? This isn't me bitching about what they are protesting, I am literally pissed at the media or them for not having an effective means of protest. There is no dialogue. Are they anti-abotion? Anti-GMO? What are they so freaking angry about? They're acting like childish little thugs just mindlessly blocking a road. If everyone of them held up a sign to form a huge message along a highway THAT would be a protest that sent a message. If they wrote huge words on a billboard, or lay down spelling a word in an organized fashion THAT WOULD BE IMPRESSIVE and raise awarness because the dedication to the cause would be highlighted AND it would speak to what they're trying to accomplish. Like paint a symbol of a gun with a cross through it if you're hating on that. Eat natural grapes and give them for free like raise money for a "support local farmers try their food free day" if you want to promote that (but for the right reasons not anti-gmo GMOs are fine). Like honestly this isn't a fucking protest this is just civil disorder. It's ridiculous and the media should be ashamed at not picking up their slack. Just blocking traffic even with a sign is fucking stupid as it's a hostage situation until the media shows up to broadcast your message to more than just 10 or 15 parked cars at a 4 way intersection. these fucking degenerate idiots are giving protesters a bad name whatever their cause is. Is anything I'm saying baseless or am I onto something here? I am not at all attacking their cause, I honestly don't even know what they're protesting and that's literally my only gripe because shit reporting.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

has this turned into my stoner blog yet? (yes and I think it's more interesting now---does anyone agree? >implying anyone reads this. Hi Canada :))

I am afraid to let myself feel. I am so logical. I am so scared of this fact that I put up a wall ego like I’m cocky…no smug about it. Everyone …look here…I’m logical and smart. I am every smarter than that those other pesdo intellectual children. I am surprerior.

I never know who I’m talking to when I type. It’s pathetic how I much I tailor my words based on my perceived or desired audience from moment to moment. I think as a result I get hugely variable sentences…I’m not sure if this is a strength or not.

I think my problem is I’m too concerned with what people think. While it has it’s benifits like making me be a better person and find fulfillment, I’m not sure in the long run how happy it makes me.


I think my problem with school is being graded. If I want to be the rebel and send in my paper on the topic of happiness and I write it while stoned and it doesn’t make sense to anyone else but me, fuck anyone who says that’s wrong. That I’m not learning. If I write a self-indulgent essay with my own brain as the topic I would be ridiculed. Clearly this will not prepare me for the work force. Would good is psycho analyzing one’s self? That’s not profitable. As a result, I have come to resent the very notion of someone placing their standards of what they constitute learning and their guidelines as to what they think I need to know about a subjective topic. Sure, in a history class, I shouldn’t be writing about me…but again, I am talking about a humanities class like “happiness and blah blah”. What if I want to use the word nigger and it helps me learn? Oh no, offensive! We can’t share this! But what if the point I’m taking this class for is not to prove anything to anyone else, but it is to find myself and write about myself. To be honest it’s not narcissistic, but I don’t actually want feedback on my writing. I don’t care if anyone thinks it’s garbage (hence why I hate grades) I just wanted to be given an opportunity to have a curriculum of guided knowledge to the ends of whatever. The means I use to obtain **MY** (not the schools whose real mission statement is to create cogs, even really beautiful ones—being a cog isn’t always a bad thing it’s a great thing for many its a great happy survival) fucking education to whatever ends I PAY FOR. The teachers should grade on whether they think I’ve learned the lesson and the knowledge or wisdom or whether I’ve wasted my own time. That is all a grade should ever be based on. Fuck grades. :) fun thought slide. I was always curious why I hated it so much.


There are many who will relate to this and some who wont. Sometimes it’s okay to let yourself feel. If you only let the logical part of your brain lead, you often will lose track of what makes you happy, even if it’s counter intuitive, or even logical. We work hard so that we can make mistakes (even willfully) and get right back up. We are resilient creatures, we just need to stop thinking in binary terms about logic and emotion. 

military apologist and other stoner shit I'm just scared :( hi canada

>MFW I cough up flem from using my vape not because I'm still sick :o  I need to start thinking more about stuff....more sciency. 

Lib tard:
Really sick of the whole Chris Kyle/Michael Moore/Seth Rogen shenanigans going on. Was he a hero? Sure, only because he has so many confirmed kills in Iraq, was he a twisted violent person who described killing as fun? Yup, he was that as well. The military is where the people who love killing go to become hero's, sometimes they're horrible people but that makes for a very good soldier. If he wasn't racist against muslim people (hint: most muslims are just like everyone else) and instead hated black people or something else and went on a killing spree here with a few hundred confirmed kills I doubt he'd be called a hero



Lib tards from the perspective of an ideologically liberated anarchist.

Lib tards are so smug about being liberal (and in their minds intellectually superior) that they claim a "lib tard" is a catch-22. It's not. You can be a fucking moron and make stupid counter-intellectual points that might not even remotely coincide with principle level core liberalism and instead just assume that it falls under the umbrella of liberalism, because you believe it, and you categorized under the umbrella of liberalism. You wear that proudly, even though you have no fucking idea what it stands for. Honestly, do you even know what liberalism means beside "the right way to think...like peace and just...better for people"? Yeah. That's what I motherfucking thought. So please, stop implicitly accepting the fact* you are more intelligent than others with different values and beliefs.
Not all republicans want to destroy the environment. Not all conservatives are evil war mongering shits. It's absurd how brain washed each side is against the other and how hostile they are as a result.





My pretentious reply:

The military is often where desperate people are forced as a last resort . They come to a breaking point where fully the only thing our government will allow them to do is enlist in the armed forces. There are crimes and such that will DQ, but I'm talking about debt, petty crime, failing school, etc. It's a back-door draft. Those people generally speaking will not enlist in infantry, but the point remains that sometimes the members of the armed forces don't necessarily want to be there.


There are certainly arguments like "They could have done something else" but many of them have been innocently brain washed by no fault of their own and without the mental capacity to do research contrary--e.g "patriotism" and "pride" etc. Arguably, this is the only known purpose of the southern states, and that's why the aid never really rolls in and there is an active push to keep them uneducated and banging a bible (part and parcel in America with violence and pride and superiority) It's kept dumb to produce a military. I'm probably too far into conspiracy but honestly look at the numbers that enlist. It's their culture. (Granted a lot can be attributed to southern pride--but the North continues to laugh at them (and the west))


It's easy to hate people who love the military because we project that they must in turn love war. This isn't always true and some people genuinely join to defend their countries. This is not a defense of the reprehensibly military action our government and military partake in. This is a shot mindlessly hating those in the military, which shouldn't all inherently be construed as war lovers.

state of union meta



Retard friend: Everyone, Obama is going to walk to congress and have 2 words to say and that's : Fuck Capitalism.

Me: Cronyism. I have no problem whatsoever with profiteering. There are some moral qualms that can get involved what with ethics, but the concept and notion of profiting from a fair day's work isn't inherently reprehensible. 



Do you want to know how you can tell if you love someone as a best friend? It's pretty easy. Ask yourself whether you'd cry if that person died tomorrow. If you say no, chances are good you aren't best friends.

#SchemingTheSystem #WritingWorldProblems #BeingThisMuchOfAFaggot

dude i had this idea
im gonna publish my sci-fi just once or twice on a new pen-name
but same keywords and similiar covers to keep the control group there
but then literally just randomly break in the action so characters fuck
but i'll sell the erotic short story chapters basically like pay for premium for 2.99 the rest are a dollar
but here is the scheme
one group thinks "i dont care about the erotica im glad im getting a deal haha this guys a sucker he thinks im gonna buy his stupid erotica shit hahah"
and the erotica readers are like "oh cool a real plot line! I'm certainly willing to spend 3.99 instead of 2.99 for this!"
+ its like zero effort for me
 
Damn
like honestly the hard part of romance is plot
i can write some shit sure but its gonna suck
 
I'll feed you ideas
i write stuff like people having to go rescue the last bit of solar fusion fuel so they can mother fucking go fly in soace to get an asteroid to mine to save earth or rather get materials to escape
so thats fucking smart shit
 
If that is your issue
but i cant be all
oh his dick went into her butt hole
it was so hot
unse unse unse
well no wait i CAN
but i cant write the plot. like oh ...mark came over and ....fucked Jenny...in her butt....
but if i just RANDOMALLY cut out and go so fucking far as to put a hahahaha oh my god
i'll fucking put a premium button in
"CLICK HERE FOR THE FULL SCENE AND PREVIEW: MUST BE 18+"
 
Lol
i may have invented a way to strike back agains the fucking erotica authors
i asked sci-fi what they thought
they laughed at me
i asked romance and they said "holy shit"
fuck i might have just tilted my hand too far with this idea
lol
 
That is a good move tho
i can get around the average restrictive "5k" word count on erotica shit anyway and price point 0.99
so i dont even have to write 5k of erotica stuff i dont even think tahts possible honestly
thats like 20 pages straight of nothing but sex
is that even doable?
maybe ONCE
 
Again, once I'm settled in, I can pay you to sell my shits
 
In terms of writing
 
It is a serious plan of mine to be a published author
im making a blog tomorrow or whenever i sober up and sleep and stop having intrusive thoughts
something about hippies
i need a name for it
but itll have a bunch of zen shit butwithout hte pretencious pesudo science
it will be more pesudo intellectual jugemnetal edgy brooding teen
but it will be disgused and smarter than it is
because i will use big words like zietgeit
ive got this whole thing figured out it will even have a corny twitter for zen quotes and funny stonner moments and wise man shit
basically anything ANYTHING i say that i can hashtag
so all 3 archetypical readers will ignore the other 2
and just think they subjectively wont ever understand it
when in reality it was just garbage like a fortune cookie
see man you scheme the wrong way
you have to do this whole work hustle moving shit and getting punched in the face
i just sit here and do fucking nothing busting systems apart
similar set of thinking skills
 
Yeah
I've dubbed this weed baby robot weed
because i think like a computer on it
 
Baby robot
 
I second that feeling tho
yeah man
see i could hashtag that
#BetterWeedNames
people would smoke that shit up nigga
 
#truuu

Monday, January 19, 2015

"woah 2000 is certainly a lot for a convo!"

"Wow!!! 2k!?"

That's from a the forum I was googling to see why my phone was lagging because I have several 20k conversations. Yes. 20,000. Yes. My phone barely works anymore. I literally can't delete them it lags too much :/ Idk what to do :(


edit: omfg been like 4 hours fucking waiting for it to clear. it did. handicent app helped gonna try it as default for awhile.

"What is wrong with me"

I need to spend more time being effective in getting what I want/need and less being smug about how effective (often counter-intuitive when the next logic layer is applied) I'm being by making really clear on concise points--or worse, worrying about bullshit like intonation and "internet politics" and how people get along with me. Like do you guys know how pathetic I am for actually caring what mother fuckers think on the internet and trying to meet frameworks or impress people with how well spoken I am? I can go fuck myself.

"So your phone isn't fixed?"



>it will be. I diagnosed it. I'm just breaking down kicking the shit out of myself for being selfish wanting to interrupt your universe to chat. I'm sorry now it seems like a guilt trip or worse I just assume it should make you guilty even if that never occurred to you because I project my bullshit. What is wrong with me =,(?

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Smart [Textwall I'm so sorry I'm on drugs :)]

I tend to think of myself as intelligent, but I'm not sure how true that is anymore. I'm really good at learning systems but I'm an abysmally slow learner. It could take me 10 years to master 1 skill if it's complex and as a result I give up on it, even if I would be happier knowing that stuff as opposed to other stuff.

Chemistry is a great example of this. Programming, although the prospect actually bores me, I could better affect my world. However, even with all the this technology crap, I don't actually think it's what I love. I think I love the outdoors and I'm just too scared to try and learn it because I've been sheltered. I don't want a house. I want a motherfucking axe and a hatchet and no shirt. That's what I want. I think I want to live on a farm and be a writer. I think I just realized that. It's a very simple existence and I think that's actually okay and for so long I've been telling myself it isn't because I assumed it matched my personality (busy busy busy busy).

It's the reason I never finish anything. I get half way and get really bored with it because I don't learn fast enough. However, for the few skills I REALLY love and enjoy or can stand, I get good at them. I do love the internet. I've mastered navigating it. Some master manipulating it on a deeper level like programming, I don't have that ambition and I happy with whatever I've got and will improve it how I see fit. But it's all so fucking 2D. I want to change the world in a REAL 3D minecraft map. I want to build from scratch what I've never had. I don't want to be handed food, I want to hunt it or gather it. I want to live in near poverty by some standards, but with a richer sense of life in another. But I also really want to travel and I really want to share these ideas. I wish I was smarter to put them into a congruent order or better figure out my best means to tell them.

I have been trying so hard to share my ideas for no other reason than I'm proud of them and think others will enjoy them for so long. I no longer need the validation as was the case for so long now I just need the most effective means to do it, both in form (assuming internet mostly maybe passing words by hand for deeper connection). If anyone knows the best way to share writing, please let me know I've been searching :)

This is why I get so angry at people who are smarter or read faster because I'm devastated I'm too stupid to keep up even though I know I'm smart enough maybe smarter at any given system, given enough time (math not really withstanding that much...I leave that to math people). I wish I could read faster. I should really practice that but I'm so scared to fail and give up on myself that I haven't even started. Same with guitar. Shit wow I'm a total loser who fears failure. I wish I wasn't so irrational. It's the reason I like safety nets so much and want others to push me from my bubble.
I need to figure out how to get over my fears and leap. I was always so afraid of that with my physical body to. Something very metaphorical about that. Physically, I overcame that struggle at a young age following my primal instinct and balance.

I wish my mind and body were more at peace as well do I wish my conscious and subconscious were more in touch with each other as they are on drugs. I am very fake with myself with very thick and elaborate wall mazes.

Disecting music is amazing.



How long have I been diving this deep?


Have I made a point at all? I was talking about nothing. I love drugs but they make me appear stupid because I can't prove a point, but the truth is I'm just temporarily sacrificing my emotional memory and thinking skills or a more elaborate view into the subconscious.


Think of this. You assign music to images. Hell for example and death metal. Heaven and harps. It's only because we've been told to do so. This is why unique musics really piques our interests. It's why certain music is always assigned to those images and we very overtly recognize this fact when it is displayed for us, e.g death metal on a discovery channel nature documentary.

It's a hilarious juxtaposition and it actually goes so far as to offend our sensibilities. It's "disrespectful" to play such "evil" and "violent" music while that gazelle is being fucking raped to shreds by claws by the god damn Savannah lion and guts and shit are spewing everywhere and fucking blood is hitting the god damn camera lens and shit. Like that's the mother fucking core of nature (the violent part) just pure chaos (ordered chaos hence music and not disordered entropy) yet mad motherfuckers would get hella butthurt if discovery played god damn Slayer when the lion eats the zebra. No.

Same thing with a violin. really sad music. We aren't meant to feel sad or pitty for this deer. It is not a sad moment. Each music evokes a different emotion so in turn we assign different images. You wouldn't assign burning hell fire and devils ripping each other to shreds to harp music. It just wouldn't feel right. This is why music can be universal to an extent, but each culture will assign a different emotion to it. For example, an African tribe made to listen to death metal for the first time might start freaking and pointing to idols of gods.

Gods are basically just manifestations that evoke fear or awe or whatever emotion humans are trying to personify and then stories are subsequently assigned because it's intriguing and evokes the emotions the people are trying to convey with the "god". Overtime, this goes off track as people seek to use it as a tool to control. Now it evokes fear because the stories have been changed to evoke fear. Notice most of the old religions have been killed forcefully. The ones with peaceful and benevolent gods. The gods of justice. "Oh that's absurd. There is only one god". This is outrageous.

Basically, freedom and primal mysticism is about personifying emotions and respecting them. That's why they wear feathers on their backs or pierce their lips an skin and we call that "savage" because we're horrified of natural law. Americans are specifically afraid of it. Natural laws can still be violated and stuff deserve punishment or rehabilitation depending on circumstances (Americans ALWAYS WANT PUNISHMENT FIRST!!) like murder or rape etc.

I want to find a religion and learn more about these gods and stories. It's a real shame greek religion is mostly dead. No one really prays to poisidon even though it's an amazing god to imagine and a "person" to compare yourself to. it is why almost all gods are human in some way in most civilization, often mixed with an animal. When you pray to that god, you are asking (really yourself) for the strength to defeat the obstacle ahead. For example, the god of the sun in Egypt. You pray to it, because you either A) fear it B) respect it C) Love it there are many reasons to pray and organizing them is a bit evil as well, even though the start of the death of religion started that way.

'You must thank god.' as opposed to "you really should be thankful to god and we show this by sacrificing a pig whether symbolically or otherwise like we really believe in the giant demon dog god thing"

Overtime it became "if you don't pray x times a day you will die and go to hell" or whtaever the fuck happens to muslims. They lose their virgins idk. The point is, many religions have been corrupted and I think I'm going to study more into religion like OLD religion and mystisim maybe Buddihsm and I'd really like to write a book about that someday, but that's a really terrifying undertaking and idk if I'm ready for that :( I can hardly think straight ever how can I ever finish a book?

I will keep telling myself I'm not ready and never start =,( This goes back to me not being self validating.

How long have I been writing? I'm sorry I've made no sense. Long ago I stoppped talking to others and started just stream of consciousness. I'll stop now and go take a break. I'm pretty spun...

I hope you'll read this Canada. I feel like you're almost an extension of my own ego if that sounds creepy I'm sorry. I tell you EVERYTHING (although i'm being unusually stream of consciousnesses tonight. I should probably stop. is this too deep for the general internet :(? Now I'm horrified someone might try to hurt me because they're mean.














:(

Why are we all so afraid to ask for help?

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

50ug



I can only imagine the horror and profound sadness that must overtake someone in that instant of despair as a knife is prematurely thrust into their neck, extinguishing their life in just a few seconds. That must be tragically difficult to deal with.

I think my anxiety could keep me locked away forever. I feel tremors in my heart, like a physical ball of quicksilver, cold to the touch. A physical sensation of frigidity pounding in my chest. This fear makes my teeth clench and my eyes widened. My feet lean to my toes and rock back onto my ankles, ready to run. Everyone desperate soul I see on the street IS GOING TO stab me… Every single dog will bite as they love their master and will listen should they choose to destroy :(

I live in a cage of fear and irrational projections of my own subconscious. I have no coping mechanism equipped to deal with the uncertainties of day to day life. I have been assembled broken and despite my best efforts to rearrange myself, this puzzle just will not fit. I am profoundly saddened that perhaps there is nothing more to life than this cage. Perhaps I am broken, for this cage is ever present. If not fear for myself in my selfish boyhood, but in those that I love I


I am horrified how utterly wrong I was to assume this life was a good idea—I will need to reasses and readjust accordingly and compromise. I have been gifted the skills necessary to avoid these situations, no matter the cost. I do not need a crucible of fire, or perhaps I do. Perhaps I need to re-experience the fear necessary to cleanse myself of this anxiety. This pervasive dullness of hatred for myself and others. I am terrified how little I know myself. Many say they know themselves, but I believe few do to a core level, and I think those who smile have it figured out. They know what makes them happy and they know why.

I am so weak minded I delude myself into believing I know what I want. The truth is, I have no idea. I want not to feel this way and I value that above all else. I am horrified that I don’t know what I want and I have no idea where to search or how. I come up with ideas I have no business coming up with and actually start to practically apply them. I need a stable job. I don’t know if I want to move to Colorado and support myself and then travel, or I want to travel to support myself. I’m just so sad and furious with myself for not having the answers or being unwilling to work for them. :(

That feeling of you could die tomorrow…once it starts, that stays with you.


:( Bah bah black sheep

Mine are the stunted type of not accepting. The "I'll love you no matter what :)" and they mean that...as long as I do exactly what they want, the way they want it...Sure, if I was gay they would totally be cool with it :D :D Sure, if I wanted to date a black person they'd be okay with it :D But godmotherfuckingforbid I say "I don't think college is for me. I support drug usage and want to travel around promoting that and making a documentary AND I'm not crazy" and I'm the black sheep.

The rhetoric changes real fucking quick from "I'd support you no matter what" to "I think you're being an idiot. OH HERE WE GO AGAIN WITH THE {my real name} IS GOING TO BE HOMELESS SHIT" Suddenly, I'm the black sheep.


I can't keep thoughts together I'm butter and bread when I'm this high I'm backwards cabbage patches. 

I miss this girl. I remember this day on a park bench on a tuesday or maybe a friday... I saw a scared young woman with the soul of an old woman, frail and huddled protectively over her knitting, tenderly rocking back and forth with a glisten in the overly-exposed white’s of her eyes. It left a sour taste in my mouth and a lump in my throat watching this girl I found so intriguing and beautiful, who held such a strong mind for everything she her mind to to struggle so much. She didn’t deserve it. I wished I could have understood those demons, but perhaps it’s best that I couldn’t. The cuticles on her fingernail bends.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

How feminism in "dating" is giving all women a really bad name... :(

[[READ AT YOUR OWN RISK OR HONESTLY SKIP IT AND JUST READ THE RANT]

http://worldtruth.tv/11-things-that-are-supposed-to-happen-on-real-dates-that-dont-anymore/

I am so sick of my ex posting garbage like this. She dumped me for similiar reasons and I'm so much better off without her. These are the types that can't figure out why they're 35 with 2 kids and no daddy. These are the types that stand on the corner with picket signs screaming about how awful the system treats women, while castigating blindly their male counterparts, that they DEMAND take care of them. This is the face of hypocrisy and it is only female and therefore, because I hate these arch-types I must be a misogynist pig and need my dick chopped off.

The motherfucking toppest of keks.

For the record, I love women and my women friends know it. I hate the bastardization of feminism and I really don't want to hear arguments contrary based on the same circular logic they all invoke. I would be profoundly accepting of a world-view contrary my own, only if only supported by reason and equality instead of the pseudo "equality" these groveling hedonistic heathens so indignantly demand.

Tl;Dr

Mother fuck modern day feminists and buzzfeed fascists narcissistic lists like this. 

Homelessness fascinates me.

It just does. I've been writing a lot about it. I'm not really romantising it, although I do believe it offers a free-er alternative to "mainstream" life. Drop out culture is another big part of my upbringing. My parents raised me to be very resourceful, and I want to take that and make the most of myself from the floor up, without the help for a change. I think that's the big reason I'm so thrilled to leave with next to nothing. I have lived on their backs for too long and I need to put my own roots down.

Many people leave prematurely.

http://www.mtv.com/shows/truelife/true-life-im-homeless/1627780/playlist/#id=1627780

I don't have these problems and I think I want to write about them, and tell their stories. I hope they won't resent me for it, but I'd understand if they did.

I'm also really thrilled to start writing fiction without fear of being judged for once. I'm going to find "my voice" instead of just cutting things dry and early. i'll be a bit more purple and descriptive and ignore anyone unless things are actually CONFUSING.

My parents are butthurt because I'm not making an effort to share my vision and angry because my "half assed attempts to show them" aren't making it clear enough, but what they don't get is that I don't give a fuck if they see my vision nor do I want their approval on this. In fact, I really don't care one way or the other and I think that's confusing them. I usually value their input and want to share, but this is my own things and frankly they can off.

That goes for everyone. It's time to be an adult if my first choice as an adult is to be homeless, oh well. I'm an adult. I'm not falling on hard times or being reckless. I just don't value a silly roof over my head or the same bathroom every night or really a bed, although it would be kinda neat if I could travel with a really comfy one. Short of that, my value structure is totally different than most.


Friday, January 9, 2015

x



[6:32:32 AM] No One: Literally will not put out. I don't get it. Hand jobs only. What is this 10th grade... Oh right same mental age. Confirmed age 25 not psycho 17 year old...

[11:01:30 PM] Canada: The last time I gave a hand job I was probs 15

[11:25:44 PM] No One: when men say something like a question but asking something like "what time does the show end?" but they mean 'When the fuck are you idiots leaving?" they feight appatyh. Girls get cunt like passive aggressive like "ahem...excuse me?" adopting the most polite tone they believe possible to ask the question they are thinking and then say some other total fucking bullshit to show off how creative they are like smug bitches. Like "Did william's hair get shorter from last season?" thinking they have the attention of all these other stupid hoes, the girl will contiue her myriad and self indulgent bullshit. "Because with that hair...you'd think they would lose viewers...and people would just start going home...you know just...leaving :)" they'll twist their shoulder away and wink like that's cute or something and the rest will all squinty eye stare at her and smile in turn.




Why do i hate girls (not women) so much? Becaues there very little to like in most girls.

[11:34:39 PM] No One: im in such a good headspace lately

[11:35:58 PM] No One: swining my cyclothmia a different direction--it's an upswing and I don't know why. I've just been good lately. Able...WILLING to fuck and chuck but still leave the people better than when I picked them up.

[11:36:01 PM] No One: So i guess not chuck.

[11:36:11 PM] No One: pick up delicately, fuck, and set down gently.

[11:36:41 PM] No One: I'm really enjoying life right now and I'm really psyched to visit you. Please stop panciking. I'm not {redacted}. I don't have a grapefruit sized tumor in her head.

[11:37:03 PM] No One: i will try to keep my phone on more for you and say hi more :)

[11:37:09 PM] No One: i didn't you depended on me like i depend on you

[11:37:12 PM] No One: im very lonely as ewll

[11:37:24 PM] No One: less so now that i ahve others but for awhile it was just you and I really love you for that

[11:38:15 PM] No One: > if i'd met you five or six years ago, before I started school and was tied to a place, I would have come with you on your trip, I would have dropped everything and run away to have adventures. i would have held your hand and i would have smiled. but the girl i was then, i can hardly remember her.




you will refind her

[11:38:19 PM] No One: I promise :)

[11:38:22 PM] No One: I refound myself.

[11:38:24 PM] No One: you will too

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

girls

Bisexual girls in general have a very different temperament. Not all of them, but there is an archetype exclusive to bisexual girls, and it is largely the reason I am quite literally friends with ONLY bisexual girls. Many of them I had no idea until months after our friendship, some of them I only learned after figuring this out and asking them. I figured out tonight it's a temperament thing. I never realized why, only observed that it was the case. I can pick this temperament (not even a personality--that can vary wildly as can nuanced ticks) out a mile away and as such I can make "baseless" assumptions that girls are bisexual and not be wrong.



10th grade girls want you to know (but they will do everything they can to pretend otherwise) that they're brooding and deep and that they loathe the world or themselves. Woe is me says the 10th grade.

The college freshmen wants your admiration for overcoming their inner child and demons etc. They will proudly proclaim their victories over stupid kid shit like bulimia (childhood bulimia can be different than adult) self injury or drinking or I've even heard smoking weed. Basically, they want you to be proud of them based souly on the fact they've done what fully every motherfucking girl has done since the dawn of time at one point or another.


It is the 21 year old who realizes that the problems of adulthood don't exist in the child world, and they were gravely mistaken to assume they'd stepped out of that. The world is a dark place. There are homeless vagrant children who sleep in gutters. People kill each other and rape each other. Drugs aren't just things you hear about, but many of your peers are using. Either that, or you're living in a bubble--to be honest, I wish I had mine.

By 23, the bullshit is over.