Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Wallowing.

Pain is easier than happiness. I wallow in depression, I think was the word, and I end up letting it drip into my writing. I write only really dark and depressing stuff to validate my pain through my characters. I'm sorry for wallowing. I could really use a hug because Canada is right, I might lose my mind. this is how it starts.

I say "sarcastic" stuff negatively, because if someone agrees with me, it validates my being emo about it. And that's easier than changing.

Thought loops day 2.



And I'm not at all shallow, but I'm always seeking validation. Does that make me a shitty person? Am I broken?


In a closed loop system I self destruct. It's a paradox. I go out of my way to nuance my personality, to study a wide variety of things, to really be a multi-faceted and fascinating individual...all to the ends of validation. Therefore, I am perfectly shallow? But then, is everyone that shallow? If every person has only 1 or 2 core motivators. For me, it's my inability to self motivate. Is that inherently a problem? Am I then a blight on society or on myself?

Will I go out of my ways to seek recognition through means of force? Or empathy, educating myself and others to the ends of my work being recognized and therefore validated. It's not necessarily fame I seek. I am perfectly content being anonymous; to some degree, I prefer it. I think if I go out of my way to please others, I'll be happier...but only if they notice me. I like to lie to myself and say I wouldn't care, and put emotional shields by lying to myself. The truth is, I'd be devastated.


Lastly, I believe a fictional care needs a core motivating factor. I've heard authors speak of it before, many far less skilled at composing prose than myself, but far more effective story tellers. Writing isn't just about words, it's about characters people can relate to, down to a sub-conscious level. I remember the start of "The 100" I cringed at a really cliche scene on a space station where mommy says goodbye to daughter who is gonna have to lead the group. She tells her daughter, "You're going to want to save everyone! That's your instinct! So be careful" or some super "AS YOU KNOW BOB" obvious bullshit. I laughed it off, but you know what, that was her theme throughout the whole think. I think because it was a teen show they had to tell the audience, but in a really well written show, they would have shown that. I think that's one of the reasons LOST is such an amazing show. It SHOWS YOU why characters smile, laugh, cry, and do what they do via flash-backs. These are the most effective story tools, and hopefully now that I see this about them and myself, I can start to rewrite the way I live and write.

I think that's profound, but I'm trying too hard because I want to be validated. I think I broke my brain.






I think you would make a good programmer

[4:44:20 AM] No One: I'm an abysmal programmer

[4:44:27 AM] No One: There are no subjective answers.

[4:45:16 AM] No One: I don't like ridged objectivity--that's probably why I like mind altering substances. It's probably an escape from the relatity my mind exists in. My world views don't exist when you alter your mind.

[4:45:27 AM] No One: LSD should be made mandetory so everyone can have thought tunnels like this.

[4:45:42 AM] No One: Actually, it would destroy some people who aren't prepared for it.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

ok

>Fuck off

>don't talk to us

>You're a pathetic loser

> just move out go away.

>We don't want to deal with you

>Just look at this place. You destroy it

>We're not going to buy you any food you can stand to eat!

>Actually goes shopping and purposely buys food they know I fucking loathe (all red sauce and garlic stuff and Almond skim milk)

>Screaming (x10)

>THEN GO IN ANOTHER ROOM IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT (x50)



Okay. So I did some psychedelics, figured out they're right and I took their advice.

>Hides in room for 92 hours

>parents worry

>Will not stop knocking on my door asking if I'm okay.

Really? You can't have your cake and eat it too. Summer cannot come soon enough. Moving the fuck out.

Monday, November 17, 2014

Answers inside. I'm playing inception in my head.


0.2 grams of really decent weed with shpongle on basically meditating relaxed http://www.leafly.com/hybrid/blackberry


"Nothing is ever good enough for me" Part 2 stream of consciousness.... 



Being ego driven, I am prone to depression.
I feel the world owes me. That is why I am never happy.


Being ego driven is also why I like writing. It justifies my craving for attention, by balancing my desire to communicate opinions for validation.

I need to work on being less competitive and proving less to the world and stop seeking recognition...idk if i can do that (I really actually don't know...is it actually possible to change yourself that drastically? like ALL THE WAY DOWN). I now see for the first time why I try so hard to stay anonymous, to use names like "Idonthaveaname" etc. It's because I'm horrified of the selfish monster I am. I try to lock it away by hiding behind crutches like removing my ability to be recognized...Then I'm proud of myself as a result. 

It's the reason I'm an internet troll. I act out like an asshole (Not going to list the various names or sites here because Google) online just for attention. I do everything I can for attention. It's really pathetic and I should probably solve this. Now that I am consciously aware of this problem, or at least admitting it to myself, I can hopefully work on it.

I realized just how much I value "fame" out of "money" and "sex." That's a pretty creepy realization, as I'd always thought (or lied to myself for so long and so deeply) that it was the opposite. I wonder how many others out their don't know themselves, but think they do... 
Not necessarily fame persay, at least not for myself, it can be a pen name...I seek validation or success. I'm pretty sure everything I do is run through that lowest common denominator. I weigh everything against "will the majority like this". I am so pathetic. 


I need people to know I'm good enough so that I'll believe it myself. Otherwise, I just feel I should kill myself because I'm not. It's part of the reason for part I "Nothing is ever good enough". I need to be negative so others will help me see the good.

...and since I haven't felt like that in a very long time, I am not happy that often. It is probably why I enjoy talking to Canada so much. She is one of the very few supportive people in my life that at no point bring me down emotionally the way others do. I should probably marry a girl like that, if not Canada. Writing is also a great creative outlet (especially when you're high as shit), but that is not the reason I write. 
I'd be lying to myself if I didn't care what other's thought of me--perhaps the only reason I'd say that is to impress other people. I think at the end of the day, nothing is ever good enough for me, because it's never enough recognition and it's not what I crave most.

My very core being, one of the lowest common denominators (perhaps even the lowest) is my desire to be recognized, accepted, and validated. 
I am not self validating. I can't value my existence. 
I am not self validating. I can't value my existence. 
I am not self validating. I can't value my existence. 
I am not self validating. I can't value my existence. 
I am not self validating. I can't value my existence. 
I am not self validating. I can't value my existence. 
I am not self validating. I can't value my existence.
Will this make people like me and/or validate what I did as right and good and worth it? no? don't do it. Should I write this sentence? idk will people like it? Should I write this "secret" poetry (with the gut feeling of wanting to show someone ...someday) really well to impress people? 
Should I climb harder? Should I write more? Will it get me notice? The only reason I don't take this to extremes or let it be overtly obvious is because I'm afraid people will judge me and like me less. I suppose in a way, I think this honesty will make people (maybe just one) like me more. Therefor, this is passing the filter of "will people validate me for this".
EVERYTHING I DO GOES THROUGH THIS FILTER TO HELP BETTER SURVIVE UNDER THIS VIEW.
I am not self validating. I can't value my existence. 
I am not self validating. I can't value my existence. 
I am not self validating. I can't value my existence. 
I am not self validating. I can't value my existence. 
I am not self validating. I can't value my existence. 
I am not self validating. I can't value my existence. 
I am not self validating. I can't value my existence. 

Weed lets you dig a bit deeper to find than answers. Honestly, I've never found a better effect even with LSD (just a bit more clear headed)




final note.
I am cursed too smart to not second guess myself like some attention whores. The word whore goes so deep. You are saying ostensibly, you are so desperate for something you will sacrifice an integral part of yourself (for some) to sell out to get something else. You are insulting that choice. Is that okay to insult that choice? idk. If someone wants to give that part of themselves up for something, be it validation, or otherwise, who are we to stop them? but is this my real opinion? or the one i let myself believe (or maybe really do believe but likely tell myself i do) because i think people will like me more....
I really am curious whether it's possible to change something of that lowest denominator. i really don;'t have an answer. what would be different? would i be happier with a new value system? I still do fear failure like jail a ton (maybe because im scare its the opposite of validation...maybe that's why I'm so romantically involved in anarchy...maybe secretly i'm a fascist. I think i might be...I wonder what the definition of ego maniac is? people who simply act out more on their ambitions than i do? are they just stronger for getting the job done and getting noticed? I looked it up and i think i am a reverse ego-maniac. I am like a super not ego maniac. Does that mean I have a really small ego? Does that sound right? I think it does. I think the super ego tries very hard to pick up the slack there--hence my (I believe) great personality. it's probably shitty and i'm probably really hard to get along with or be friends with like talking over people like I talked with Zach about on 3 tabs of acid...I'm actually twice as deep in my head right now off no bullshit .2 grams of weed. Shpongle and meditation and stream of consciousness getting this out is amazing. Like I put up so many shields (sarcasm is a great example--I'm glad I write poetry to discover that) that block out "me". I don't know Freud well enough to really get this, but i think I have a tiny ego :/ it's probably why i'm a self-defeatist and i have anxiety issues even with a very outgoing personality.

Guys I'm kinda scared here because of how deep this is all is.

idk if im ready to be someone else. im questioning everything about me right now. im scared because i dont have the answers anymore. like i cant even lie to myself. idk what to do :(
do i even want to change? am i asking that questioning because i want to be validated for it? if yes, it self defeats the answer D: this is horrifying it might be a pandoras box....shpongle is hella good music. Even bolding the font is party for me and partly to impress readers... even if they never read it...which I'm typing as a coping mechanism to say I'm okay with that, but the truth is I would be devastated to have no one read this :( i am so pathetic 

anyway, I need to pee rethink my life from the core up...maybe this is why i tamper with my brain so i could reach this level *DESTROY IT* (the biggest monster ever is basically me) and move past it. Is that possible? i need new value systems. how do I find them? in fiction they say find a character with strong motivation. it's always been very difficult for me. now we know why. idk how to impress others by being someone else well enough or I'd do it instead of write about it, hense meaning i can't even write about it because it'd be contrived and since i know its' contrived, i stop writing it and self defeat because no one will be impressed. That's a vicious cycle. I wonder who I'll impress with that terminology and by asking this question....i am so scared D:
Canada please message me when you read this so I have some validation its scary :(


If everything I do is an attempt to impress others to validate myself (to survive) is it okay to accept that? I don't think I can ever give myself the answers...is that okay? do i even want to change? or am i just interested now that I know this so i can use it as a tool to....well....better impress people. i guess. Is that okay? Someone validate me because I'm having a problem here. is it even possible to be this deep into your head when you're high? I'm not even that high honestly, I'm just very tired and very deep in....im sorry this is long <-- :="" a="" actually="" all="" am="" and="" anymore.="" apologize="" because="" can="" canada="" changing="" consciousness="" desire="" differently="" does="" doing.="" else="" even="" feel="" from="" fuck="" hate="" hope="" horrified="" i="" idk="" im="" impress.="" impress="" is="" isnt="" it="" its="" judge="" judging="" like="" m="" make="" me.="" me="" most="" my="" myself.="" necessary="" needs="" not="" of="" original="" others.="" p="" paradox="" pathetic="" people="" personality="" pleasing="" rhetorical="" s="" selfish="" selfless="" sense="" sex="" share="" shit="" someone="" stream="" stuff="" talk="" that="" the="" this="" though="" to="" tone="" what="" where="" whole="" why="" will="" with="" works="" worms="" you...see="">
i think often times, i play pokemon and stuff because it's easy and it's familiar and i dont have to get this deep in my head. so im gonna go get out of this worm hole before i go in circles. it's creepy down here and this may well be the furthest i've ever traveled cogently and knowingly and brought a lot back with me without it following into the wind. I think for a minute there i stopped trying to impress anyone i was blissfully just writing enjoying it. I wish it could be that simple but im not gonna go explaining its too deep in circles. fuck thought loops pokemon time.


ah rip me to shreds rip me to pieces. I think music is the one thing i would make that I wouldn't care who judged me. I mean that honestly. I think that's why i avoided it for so long because it wouldnt gratify my ego....i should be a music man for awhile. how would i do that? idk where to start and its very scary. I have adhd because i need to do lots of stuff to get fast validation recognition whatever and thats why i cant concentrate because its a waste of resource allocation time when i could be getting validated or whatever. i'm so tired. im half asleep here typing with my eyes shut.

Goodnight now :)

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Friday, November 14, 2014

Scary world.

.Also,I should do more world building and make a mental map in my room like on my floor with tape and paper. :D that's brilliant. That way i can use my spacial memory and that’s the most important type like people who imagine palaces of memory by visualizing walking into to that memory instead of the words / audio they use spacial memory. Do you know how nuts that is? people are mad brilliant like lucid dreaming and stuff. There is just so much in the world to see its kinda daunting and i just here :( maybe its because its so daunting that i sit :/ idk... Idk what I'm so scared of =,(

Thursday, November 13, 2014

I've (I'm not kidding) listened to this album 21 times in the last 4 days. Nonstop. Literally nothing else.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHwSGU4KkMY&list=PLCa6rr7iYzFVyh8h8gT23yFBrejkOtIDT

Sometimes SpitFire gets mixed in because of spotify and I listen to most of that too then go right back to Divinity. I seriously can't get over this album.

CIA pls


bowl

did i already post this? anyway, I spent way more money than I probably should have on weed and a bowl + case + lighter + stuff . Whatever

No context:
The world needs more doors. Like, the kitchen...should probably have a door. You know? Just more doors...why not...okay, well it would undermine structural stability...roofs would collapse...I mean society would probably crumble into chaos and anarchy, but you know it would be more open because there would at least be more doors...Which also means more options...and I think more than structural stability, the world needs more options.
Yep. More doors is the answer. 

Monday, November 10, 2014

parents told me get a job


But you know...that's life!



"But you know....that's life!" says the loser, in a "i"m being positive" tone, like it's mean to inspire... But that's not positive. "that's life" is something people say when something bad happens to mourn. It's a coping mechanism. Or to tell children tough shit. It's a "Fuck you"




So, ostensibly what you're saying isn't motivational or happy. It's a coping mechanism, a shitty defeatist one because you don't want the guilt of admitting you were the problem or could have solved the problem. Or because you're too weak to cope with say the lost of a loved one. That's life. That explains it...it's fate. It's an oxymoron within itself, and people need to stop fucking saying it...
[6]

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Religion

Rarely do I ran about religion because honestly, it's just not even worth my trouble.

People should stop saying "He's jewish" "Oh he's a christian" (mostly it's jews I hear doing this--although I'm bias because I'm only forced to hang around jews but I'm pretty sure other religions do this as well) like they'll see a sports idol and be like "hey did you know he/she was jewish!?" Like no motherfucker I didn't and I don't care. That's not a point of solidarity that should hold any weight in our society. It's like saying "hey did you know that guy likes to think about flowers in the shower?" or "Hey did you know she likes her breasts squeezed in sex?" It's no one's fucking business; it's pedantic and pointless--it's not a community building bullet point that matters. Religion is fucking dead. Stop telling me which of your idols is {insert religion}. You're a fucking disgrace. saying someone is a fucking Democrat would be a better anecdote than what magical sky wizard they think about when their lives are 2spooky and what arbitrary days they starve themselves sick because of the sins of their forefathers written in a 2000 year old parchment.


ARE YOU PEOPLE FUCKING INSANE?!?!?

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Monday, November 3, 2014

.

I have this image... I'm in a nest. It's dark outside. I have wings, like an angels, but they're covered in a black ooze, a thick ooze not like oil. I'm crying. I jump. I fall. Darkness. It's awful and I choke up just thinking about it.

I don't feel I am equipped or cut out for this world.

One of the lines that reoccurs in a lot of the poetry I write is "You Naive Little Hippy Spread Your Wings and You'll Fly" but I'm believing that less and less these days.

Walking into slavery.



Someone has said that it requires less mental effort to condemn than to think. The widespread mental indolence, so prevalent in society, proves this to be only too true. Rather than to go to the bottom of any given idea, to examine into its origin and meaning, most people will either condemn it altogether, or rely on some superficial or prejudicial definition of non-essentials...

[...]




Property is robbery,” said the great French Anarchist Proudhon. Yes, but without risk and danger to the robber. Monopolizing the accumulated efforts of man, property has robbed him of his birthright, and has turned him loose a pauper and an outcast. Property has not even the time-worn excuse that man does not create enough to satisfy all needs. The A B C student of economics knows that the productivity of labor within the last few decades far exceeds normal demand. But what are normal demands to an abnormal institution? The only demand that property recognizes is its own gluttonous appetite for greater wealth, because wealth means power; the power to subdue, to crush, to exploit, the power to enslave, to outrage, to degrade. America is particularly boastful of her great power, her enormous national wealth. Poor America, of what avail is all her wealth, if the individuals comprising the nation are wretchedly poor? If they live in squalor, in filth, in crime, with hope and joy gone, a homeless, soilless army of human prey.


[...]


Real wealth consists in things of utility and beauty, in things that help to create strong, beautiful bodies and surroundings inspiring to live in. But if man is doomed to wind cotton around a spool, or dig coal, or build roads for thirty years of his life, there can be no talk of wealth. What he gives to the world is only gray and hideous things, reflecting a dull and hideous existence, — too weak to live, too cowardly to die. Strange to say, there are people who extol this deadening method of centralized production as the proudest achievement of our age. They fail utterly to realize that if we are to continue in machine subserviency, our slavery is more complete than was our bondage to the King. They do not want to know that centralization is not only the death-knell of liberty, but also of health and beauty, of art and science, all these being impossible in a clock-like, mechanical atmosphere.

Anarchism cannot but repudiate such a method of production: its goal is the freest possible expression of all the latent powers of the individual. Oscar Wilde defines a perfect personality as “one who develops under perfect conditions, who is not wounded, maimed, or in danger.” A perfect personality, then, is only possible in a state of society where man is free to choose the mode of work, the conditions of work, and the freedom to work. One to whom the making of a table, the building of a house, or the tilling of the soil, is what the painting is to the artist and the discovery to the scientist, — the result of inspiration, of intense longing, and deep interest in work as a creative force. That being the ideal of Anarchism, its economic arrangements must consist of voluntary productive and distributive associations, gradually developing into free communism, as the best means of producing with the least waste of human energy. Anarchism, however, also recognizes the right of the individual, or numbers of individuals, to arrange at all times for other forms of work, in harmony with their tastes and desires.

Such free display of human energy being possible only under complete individual and social freedom, Anarchism directs its forces against the third and greatest foe of all social equality; namely, the State, organized authority, or statutory law, — the dominion of human conduct.


http://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/emma-goldman-anarchism-and-other-essays#toc3